It’s Not You, It’s Her; Tending to Your Inner Mean Girl During The Postpartum Chapter
Let’s keep this short, because if you’re reading this after having a baby your attention is likely as small and fragile as those sweet (albeit daunting) baby nails: You are doing a great job, even if you don’t think so.
You’re changing those diapers, tending to tears, swapping out onesies for those that are clean and dry. You’re waking up from fragmented sleep to do said things and many, many more.
You’re either doing this for the very first time or getting it done while caring for others with entire other sets of needs.
You’re doing this for a small human being who has no words for thank you, though on a good day the sentiment comes through in the way of milk drunk gazes, cuddles - if you have cuddler - and at some point smiles.
On a bad day, it wouldn’t matter because the stress and perhaps worries and sadness take too much attention away from those otherwise tender, fleeting moments.
On a bad day that inner mean girl says, in a voice disguised as your own, I am not cut out for this. Someone else - anyone else - would do a better job than me. She would know how to get this child to sleep. She would know how to stop the crying. She would be the mother* that this helpless baby deserves.
And sometimes that inner mean girl whispers so low that you barely recognize her presence. Perhaps it seems like an ordinary day and the voice says “I guess you did okay, but that mom I saw at the park/at my sister’s/on Facebook could still do it better. Or “so you got the baby to sleep for her nap, but you still can’t fit those jeans.” She says “nice try, but you can’t win."
Oh, she’s wretched. And she’s wrong.
That mean girl is born and shaped of many voices and stories. She’s profoundly unrealistic societal expectations. She’s your critical mom/dad/aunt/teacher. She's the pieces of you that have unmet needs. She's sleep deprivation. And if she’s really scary and leads the conversation for weeks, not moments, she’s likely depression. She's all these things disguised as Truth.
Luckily, noticing the presence of this unkind voice as something other than Truth, other than You or your core self, is an action you can take right now. You can do it in your head. Or go ahead and grab a notebook or start a note on your phone.
During times of duress, which are inevitable, notice if there is a mean girl mouthing off.
Don't fight her. Just look her in the eye.
Sometimes this alone with make her step back and recognize she’s not in charge. You'll feel a touch lighter, stand straighter.
Other times you'll need to soothe yourself more intentionally and learn more ways to invite in the voice of compassion. More on this another time. For now you can place a hand on your heart and take one deep breath.
If she digs in her heels to the ground and indicates she isn't going anywhere, it may be time to seek support.
**And if she's telling you anything about harming yourself or someone else, it's an emergency, and you need help now. Get someone to be with you and baby ASAP and get to your nearest hospital.**
You're doing a great job, says me, a stranger. But if you pay close attention, your inner kind, compassionate, and better rested parts are nodding in silent agreement.
With love and compassion,
Team SOURCE
All SOURCE therapists are trained in perinatal mental health as well as self-compassion research and tools. If you or someone you love are ready for some compassionate support, get in touch to start your therapy journey today!
*using the terms mom and mother as short hand due to the vast majority of our clients identifying as such. This information applies to all genders and parental identifications, with a need for compassion work (among all the other actions needed) being highest to those most systemically oppressed.