Mental Health for Father’s Day
“Remember when you were my best friend and now you’re not,” my 3 year old asks me with a pretend coy look she’s trying on. “Yes,” I say. “Do you think maybe someday I’ll be your best friend again”? “Yeah.” She moves on to twirl a curl and suck her thumb. I kiss her head, click the light off.
My heart is happy at the mere prospect of assuming position number one again someday, but currently and for a month or so, it’s occupied squarely by dad. She wants him to tell her when it’s time to get up, sit with her while she eats, wipe her bottom. They have inside jokes, a library-pastry-playground circuit, and bus adventures. When she falls and I come, she yells, “no, dada” eyes searching while pouring out tears. (This is the only thing that stings, as my heart aches for the time it was only me who could comfort, though that job had some very serious hazards too. We are wise to remember this when children want their other parent. Balance is good)
And I get it. I remember clearly wanting to be in the arms of my dad when I was small, the safety of being up high. I remember how adored I felt. I remember a lightness of relationship, a lack of complexity in a way that didn’t feel wanting.
And I know I’m lucky to have had this. The wounds left by disappointments from dads are so tender, from them not showing up to getting called to the siren song of substances to not getting the memo on the importance of connection (easy in a world that consistently neglects to get said message out).
And the holes left when dads are no longer earth side are gaping for many - big empty spaces that adult children walk carefully around on a daily basis trying not to fall in lest they feel swallowed by grief at the expense of other things they wish to be present for. Each quivering lip and downward glance of friends who’ve lost their dads is etched in my mind and I wish to take their pain away. Not to mention, families are dynamic systems and when one part is no longer here physically, it can shift everything. One puzzle piece removed, nothing fits together in the same way. You can make out the picture, but it is still incomplete.
This is all to say, dad figures are important as anything. And supporting the mental health of dads is supporting the mental health of children and family. Supporting the mental health of dads means normalizing that all people have troubling thoughts, difficult feelings, uncomfortable body sensations, and behaviors that are not in line with their values. And it’s not failing to acknowledge and work through this. It’s powerful beyond measure.
Dads deserve to be entire people. And can only do so by being seen for their tender parts as much as their tough ones.
I hope I continue to cycle in and out of second position with my children. If I become number three that’s a different story ;)
Here’s to the dads. Happy Father’s Day.
And reader, if you are a dad or partnered with one, or neighbors or bros or coworkers with one, and mental health support sounds like a good idea, we are here to help. It can be a big relief to have full permission to feel and share, and frankly we think it’s pretty brave to break free of the old story that we should keep it all in. Drop us a note and let us know if we can be of support to you.
With love and compassion,
Team SOURCE