On Perinatal Mental Health TL;DR;TT

That’s Too Long; Didn’t Read; Too Tired.

It’s Maternal Mental Health month, a time when us advocates talk more and louder about the things we talk about all year long. This year I thought I’d go back to basics and name in plain terms some of the fundamental issues us specialists tend to every day in our offices.

Sometimes even using the terms “perinatal mental health” or “maternal mental health” feels impractical, when the search term may be more like [New mom so tired is this normal] or [pregnant crying will it hurt baby] or [pregnant worried miscarriage] or [new mom not okay]. So here I’ll present a non-exhaustive list of experiences, often mixed and matched, that may bring a new parent in the door to SOURCE, along with a sentence pointing toward hope - genuine, grounded, tried and true hope.

Postpartum Adjustment. You’ve been through a metamorphosis. Caterpillar to butterfly. It’s kind of a big deal. You are pregnant one day, perhaps easily, perhaps after a host of losses (see below), disappointments, and changes of course. You map out some birth stuff (see below), some baby stuff, you are showered with things. And you land on the other side with the realization that your nervous system is different, your body is different, your relationships are different, and you have a BIG job and role to integrate into the life you already live. And if we were using non-plain language we’d say this is matrescence - the developmental stage of becoming a mother. It’s a lot to catch up to and oh so possible to weave it all together into the tapestry of your life and sense of self.

Birthing experience impacts: Magnificent (and still BIG) when you have a smooth ride. Really really really hard when you don’t.  Many of us go into the short but powerful phase of our parenting journey with ideas and preferences and plans. And sometimes those ideas don’t come to fruition, preferences aren’t honored, and plans look nothing like intended. Whether your birth was considered “medically normal” or things went sideways, when this part is scary and/or fails to meet our expectations we can land with a thud on the other side of birth. How you felt and felt supported during the birth matters far more than “healthy baby, healthy parent.” And you absolutely can feel differently about this experience than you do now.

NICU stays, short and long term. One day is enough to interrupt your sense of okayness; long stays - the separation, the beeping, the machines, the worry -  is enough to really rock you. We are so lucky to have technology to help our young babes AND the process of being in hospital and using it can just land as a biological disruption in those precious days. You can tend to your experience and find inner harmony again.

Feeding issues: Undersupply, oversupply, difficult or painful latch, uncertainty about baby getting and gaining. It’s pretty agonizing to encounter obstacles to feeding your little one as intended, especially when they make it look easy on TV. Most of us are unaware that feeding issues have existed as long as there were mouths to feed, and in the absence of knowledge and support can turn on ourselves. And we can learn and pivot and befriend ourselves and grow compassion for the process.

Pregnancy loss(es): Often one of the biggest stresses one goes through on this journey, these losses can land as the biggest heartache, gut punch, and head spin. It’s a full body experience. Multiple losses can start to chip away at our sense of hope. You can find hope and meaning and connection even in this big grief.

Pregnancy after pregnancy loss(es): With so much worry, it can be deeply hard to rest into optimism. It’s like we want to sit still and hope the bad thing doesn’t happen. We can worry about bonding , about stress. And we can learn to make space for fear, build understanding for our protective parts, and practice patience with ourselves for understandable challenges.

Relationship Changes: Growing chasms between self and partner, self and friends, self and colleagues, self and self. When we’ve been through a metamorphosis and have these new demands (see above) we are connecting from a new place and it can be hard. From partners who don’t get it to child free friends who don’t get it to our bosses who don’t get it, you just want to exist and be gotten. And it’s easier said than done. You can build self understanding, learn assertiveness skills, build compassion and understanding for multiple perspectives.

Parenting without a parent: Whether you’ve lost a parent from the physical world or have removed a parent from your circle of trust, boy is is sad and hard to want guidance that you yourself aren’t receiving. Sometimes being a tender parent in a way you never received brings up sadness. Sometimes having a question about yourself as a baby brings up sadness. Sometimes being so tired from nurturing all day and not receiving the nurturing you so desire brings up sadness. And you can learn to be with sadness, learn who and what you need to be with sadness, cultivate connections both internally and in your life that enhance a full spectrum of feelings and experience so that joy and connection sit here too.

Anxiety and Depression in Pregnancy: Some worries are common and to be expected. Some mood shifts are common and to be expected. Pervasive worrying and/or sticky sadness and/or irritability and/or rage that disrupts your daily functioning is not normal. It’s worth looking at and can feel different and better. You don’t have to believe that right away, but it is true.

Anxiety and Depression after birth and the first few years: Same as above, but postpartum. Symptoms may be obvious from the outside, and may not. Symptoms may disrupt bonding behaviors, and may not. Symptoms may look like something you saw on a checklist, and may not. But if it affects you, if your gut says something isn’t right (or if your gut as someone who witnesses this in another says something is off) it’s enough to tend to. Moments, even our hardest moments, they pass.

So hey reader, if you relate, or love someone who does, we are here to help. In the wise words of PSI: You are not alone. You are not to blame. With help you will be well. Drop us a note and let us know if we can be of support to you!

With love and compassion,

Team SOURCE